Back and Better

I took a very long hiatus from writing as my life was the messiest it has been in a long time. Aside from the fear, chaos, depression, and uncertainty the pandemic brought us, I was dealing with my own battles that were only exaggerated by quarantine. My blog is meant to share my raw truth, but when I am in the thick of life I retreat into my cocoon of self-pity and healing. This butterfly has emerged and is ready to share the trials and tribulations this past year has brought.

Like many people I endured a breakup in the pandemic. This one hit harder than others, because it was my first real, honest love as an adult women. My first love being open and honest about my hair loss; my first love being vulnerable; my first love loving myself more. When a relationship becomes toxic, we don’t see it at first, we make excuses that surrounding circumstances are rough and bringing out the worst of us. I could only blame the pandemic on so much, before I knew it was time to walk away from a man I was so deeply in love with. I chose myself for the first time in a relationship. I recognized I could love someone that wasn’t right for me, and as hard as it was to end the relationship I also recognized I loved myself. This was a huge, celebratory moment in my self-love journey, but also so devastating to lose a love I waited most of my life for. I learned a lot in and out of the relationship that I am looking forward to sharing with you in future posts. This breakup was not only exaggerated by the pandemic, but also a hip disease that I didn’t know my body was battling.

Over the summer of 2020 I was experiencing pain in my left hip. After months of physical therapy, X-Rays, and MRIs I finally got a diagnosis in October, six weeks after my breakup: Avascular Necrosis of the hip. Basically my hip bones aren’t receiving enough blood circulation so my femoral bones have the potential of collapsing. My right hip had not experienced any symptoms, but my left hip was killing me. I was limping all summer, and and the pain progressed so much that I stayed in bed until I was able to have surgery. I had surgery in February 2021, followed by six weeks of crutches, and I am currently on week 12 of my recovery. After six months of bed rest I am taking full advantage of my physical therapy program to rebuild the muscle that atrophied over the last year. There is so much more I have to share about this disease and experience, but for now I feel reborn, especially spending my recovery in my new condo.

In October of 2020 I moved out of the apartment I shared with my ex for the past five months, and into my best friend’s house. I was apprehensive, because I hadn’t had a roommate in ten years, but I was excited to save money and not be alone in such a depressing time in my life. I thought I would spend a year at that house in Reseda, but the depression of my hip disease and breakup had me desperate to end the year turning my life right-side up. I got a real estate agent and began my search for condos in Los Angeles in December. I assumed I wouldn’t find something until spring, especially since the market was scarce. I had been looking at condos long before I made it official. Four days into hiring an agent I saw a condo in Long Beach that I had been in love with since it hit the market in August. I assumed something was wrong since it hadn’t sold yet, but decided to see it in person anyway. It was in love at first sight, and on December 29th 2020 I got the keys to my first home purchase. A new condo in a new city was exactly how I took back control of my life.

As hard as life has been during the pandemic of COVID-19, we cannot lose ourselves or undo the work we have been chipping away at in our self-love journeys. It is in the hardest of times that we must love ourselves the most. Give yourself a break, don’t punish yourself for not writing a book or learning a new language this past year. Celebrate yourself for making it out alive. I am no longer mourning my breakup or hip disease. I am celebrating the end of a chapter and a new door opening, including many more blog posts. It’s great to be back and better than ever! Xo