I want to talk about sex and hair loss, because it’s fucking important. I have gone through the rollercoaster of emotions with my hair loss journey and dating, from pre-wig, to wig bonding, to shaved head, to wig-taping, to ‘I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing right now.’ I am by no means an expert on how to date with hair loss, but I have learned a lot through many mistakes, that I hope you can learn from, and do as I say, not as I did.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable. That’s as hard to type as it is to do. I used to hide that I wore wigs. It was tough because hair pulling in the bedroom is a thing, and when you are working up a sweat and feel the pressure of your wig being pulled from your head, you’ll do just about any crazy maneuver to keep it attached. The stress related to sex was so overwhelming. My mind was always on my wig, never in the moment. This secret I was holding built a wall between myself and who I was with. I wasn’t letting anyone get to know the real me, because I was too ashamed to let that bitch out. And unless you are gifted like my friend Theresa, having an orgasm is a fucking job that requires zero distractions or stress.
Once I decided I didn’t want to hide myself any longer, I did the work to build my self-esteem. Therapy, mediation, subliminal messages, positive affirmations, eating right, and forgiving myself were all apart of that self-love journey. It has been about a year and a half of consistent work and I can honestly say I love myself and I know who I am, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t holding onto any insecurities. I am practicing being vulnerable by expressing my feelings and sharing my story about my hair loss journey. On dating apps I would go back and forth between having a profile that showed my shaved head and different wigs, to my normal everyday brown wig look. I would tell new matches early on that I wore wigs, before meeting, so I knew if they were following through with meeting me the wig thing didn’t matter. Being vulnerable has allowed me to see that I am my hardest critic. My insecurities convinced me that men would find me unattractive if they knew my truth, and that has proven to be so far from right. Practicing being vulnerable will awaken a part of you that has been hidden in the dark and bring you to life!
Love Yourself: Self-love is very awkward, but in my journey of acceptance I had to get over my shit and embrace the awkward. Have you ever took your wig off and looked into the mirror without makeup and cringed? Unfortunately too many women can relate. I hated seeing my “natural” reflection staring back at me. I thought I was so ugly, like legit thought ‘what man in their right mind would be like, “That’s the woman I want to wake up to everyday.”‘ Barf. I hated these thoughts that dictated my love life. To combat them I practiced positive self-affirmations. Every morning I would look in the mirror (no wig or makeup), and say “I love you, you are beautiful, Jessica.” For real. So awkward, right? I am telling you it becomes a habit, and soon enough it’s not so awkward anymore. Try it for a week, then make it a 30-day goal. You will start to hate your reflection less and less, and then you will be ready to make love to yourself.
(Almost) everybody masterbates, just like everybody poops. You don’t have to have hair or love yourself to do it, but most of us don’t masterbate with intention (stay with me). We masterbate to get off, to relieve stress, and to relieve a hangover (it helps). When you materbate with intention you form a deeper bond with yourself. You are connecting with you. The biggest struggle with insecurity is that we are so disconnected from who we are, and consumed in who society says we should be. The next time you are feeling frisky, set yourself up for the best orgasm of your life. Take off your wig, put on something sexy, makeup, lingerie, whatever sets the tone to feel your best (except your wig, because you need to be as close with your true self as possible), and think about all the things you love about yourself. There has to be at least one thing, but most likely many. I focus on my legs, lips, and breasts. Focusing on my best attributes gives me a bode of confidence, it also connects me to me. I want to feel good, and I deserve to feel good. I am worthy of feeling my best, loving myself, and having multiple orgasms. This is a very strange practice to get used to, but once you are comfortable in your own skin, you will begin to look at your bald head with compassion, admiration, and acceptance. Once you can make love to yourself you can make love to someone else without self-sabotage and distraction.
Landing The Partner: All that self-love work allowed me to find a true connection in my current relationship with Taylor. We have been dating for 8 months and we have the best sex I have ever had with anyone. I have learned that orgasms really do exist outside of my vibrator, and as much as I credit Taylor being Don Juan, I do owe it to myself for putting in the work and building my self-esteem, without which I wouldn’t be so honest with myself and you.
I introduced Taylor to my wig wall on our first FaceTime date. Our first official date lasted 24 hours, and I came out of the shower with my wig off that morning. He kissed my head. He told me I was beautiful. I don’t know if I wanted him to see me, the real me in that moment, because I was comfortable with him, or because I just wanted to get it over with before we went any further, but I do know that it would not have happened had I not practiced all of the above. I kept my wig on for a few weeks, and then started taking it off before bed after we had sex, to gradually taking it off before having sex. Taylor was very supportive and let me know he didn’t care if I had a wig on or not, but wanted me to be comfortable, and that was most likely with my wig off. I’m not gonna lie, I needed liquid courage the first night I had sex without my wig, and I was very insecure and uncomfortable, but free at the same time. It was the most vulnerable I had ever been with a man, actually the most vulnerable I had been with myself as well. It was difficult to be so exposed, but I had worked for that moment. I was already uncomfortable for so long, I couldn’t bare to work on myself so relentlessly without proving to myself that I had grown.
That growth has kept me in a happy, healthy relationship. Taylor sees my shaved head more than he sees my wigs. Sex is just as great, and I still orgasm as if I was making love to myself. Some people comment that I am so lucky to have found such a kind, understanding, and supportive man. I am grateful for him, but I am not someone that needs luck or a brave man to love me just because I have Alopecia. Alopecia is nothing to be ashamed of. I’m not lucky to have this relationship. I am grateful. I attract what I deserve, because I love myself.
This may sound like a fairytale, but I’m a real person with hormones, feelings, insecurities, good days and bad days. These things don’t just disappear because I decided to love myself. There are still days when I look in the mirror and cry because I hate my widows peak, or the ten pounds I have gained. The difference is that I am very aware and I don’t allow myself to linger in the negative feelings for long. To be completely transparent I have had a rough couple of months battling my insecurities and it has affected my sex life. I am working on myself and building my self-esteem again, because I know how good it feels to love me. I know how good sex feels with Taylor when I love me. We are human, we aren’t always going to be at the top of our game. I have been wearing hoodies and sneakers to work for weeks, when I typically walk the halls like a runway. This is the rollercoaster of life. Even when I don’t like who is staring back at me in the mirror, I still love her. That, my friends, is freedom!
As the month of celebrating love comes to an end, I challenge you to make 2020 your year of self-love. Set a goal to connect with yourself on a deeper level. Tell one person you wear a wig, practice positive self-affirmations, have sex without your wig. Wherever you are at in your hair loss journey, challenge yourself to get one step closer to your true self. When you do experience bald sex, your orgasms will never be the same, and I can’t wait to hear all about it! Xo
